Every once in a while, maybe every few months, I reach the level of complete and utter exhaustion where the least expected thing/person/commercial/song will tip me over the edge of tears, tears and more tears. I'm currently at that level. By the way, this is not a peppy or super upbeat post, this is my reality right now and I'm sharing because I know it's someone else's reality as well and we could all use a buddy during these times. Read on if you will.
The month of December was hard, Eliza was sick, Beckham was sick, I had some weird bug, and Ben started a new job...oh and then there was Christmas. We were cooped up for what felt like eternity. We have been back to our regular routine for a week and a half so that's a positive thing. What hasn't improved, and has actually become worse, is Beckham's sleep. He has been waking up earlier and earlier, napping less and less, but not only that, he is also waking up on average 3x/night and coming out of his room or lays in bed kicking and screaming because he can't get his blanket back on. I could go on and on, but basically, I'm not sleeping well, or rather, I'm not feeling rested whatsoever. I'm not one of those people who can take a power nap during their naps either. I will fall asleep hard after quite a while and then I never know when kids will wake up, so often times I end up getting startled out of sleep and feel worse than I did before taking a nap.
I've been going to bed between 8 & 9pm the last few nights because I have absolutely no energy to do anything but stare at the wall after the kids go to bed. During the days I have 2 jobs, keep kids fed and keep Beckham from killing Eliza. The latter sucks, and sucks dry any energy reserve that I do manage to find. You all know what happens when you are not rested, not getting enough sleep, and dealing with a miniature terrorist all day long...it's not pretty. I do focus on my successes...like when I don't lose my patience when Beckham has a complete meltdown as we're leaving the gym and practically needs to be held down so I can buckle his carseat in. But I consciously have to remind myself that I am doing fine and that just because the mom with 3 or 4 kids seems to be handling things way better than I am, doesn't mean she isn't struggling or hasn't struggled before.
Last night I had to write myself some reminders: This too shall pass and It's ok to cry. Maybe it was this reminder or another night of no sleep, but as I mentioned at the start of this post, today is the day where everything is making me want to cry. Gym time is usually my place to refuel, but today I was fighting tears the entire time. Not only because I'm exhausted, but I'm also having some back/hip pain that is limiting certain things I can do. So the one place where I can truly get a break and focus on myself, I am now having to slow down and take a step back because of pain. I'm sure it's all related somehow. Lack of sleep, leads to fatigue, leads to muscles not working right, leads to making silly posture mistakes at the gym, leads to me pushing harder because I'm frustrated, leads to new pain, leads to more frustration, leads to more difficulty sleeping because of pain, leads to tears, tears, and tears. What a fun cycle. And I tend to be the type of person that keeps pushing and pushing until I hit my breaking point...which happens to be now.
Things I know: I'm not the only one experiencing this. Running into two sweet mama friends at the gym reassured me that my child is not the only 2.5 year old that doesn't like sleep right now. I'm not the only one who feels like I could sleep for days at a time. I'm not the only one who feels under qualified to raise a toddler. This is just a phase and it will pass. This is a very short period of time in the grand scheme of things. I have a gym that has great childcare and I am guaranteed 2 hours of uninterrupted time to do what I please. I have 2 kids that wake up every morning and are more than happy to see me. I have a husband who always reassures me that I am doing the best I can.
Moral of the story. I need rest. Writing it all out in a jumbled manner really does help. And thank goodness for concealer, because without it my under eye circles would truly scare people away. And makeup...thank you for existing, you make me look more alive and less like death. See example below. :)
As always, thank you for stopping by.
Question: Do you have little crazy humans keeping you awake at all hours of the night? Do you dream about the day you'll actually get to sleep in?